Hard Water, On The Rocks
by Lil Dan 42
Summary: An story that came to me in my dreams after a long night of heavy drinking. So without much any fanfare, I present to you Hard Water, On the Rocks. A story of a Namek and his quest to rid the Earth of the moon.
1. Destruction take 1

The stars were just beginning to cut through the dying rays of the setting sun. Piccolo was emerging from his makeshift camp, when stretching away the slumber his aching muscles still felt, he saw a site that caused his eyes to glow in anger.

"Damnit, I thought I destroyed that blasted thing already!" came the growl from the now pissed off Namek.

Shaking with furious anger, Piccolo held his right hand against his temple, trying to steady himself as he prepared to unleash his fury against that which he held with utter disgust. Crackling waves of energy began to form around the Namek, and a slow, steady vibration began to echo through the valley. Beads of sweat came flowing down in rivets between Piccolo's antennae as he forced his powerful body to control the ki rage that was building inside him. With quickness no ordinary mortal could hope to match, he raised his arm towards the moon, as he did so; he bellowed forth a cry that rattled the furthest reaches of the valley.

"SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!" was cried as a large spiral of energy was hurtled into the deep reaches of space, on a collision course with earths closest neighbor.

Piccolo allowed a slight smile to cross his lips as he waited for the impact that was sure to return the balance to the realm as he saw fit. The seconds ticked by as he began to calm himself, knowing that any moment, instant gratification would be his. Two seconds, three seconds, time seemed to stand still as the anticipation started to grow unbearable. Those few seconds slowly grew into ten, and then fifteen when the horror of the situation finally presented itself.

He had missed.

Fear gripped the valley and all its inhabitants as they waited to see what this powerful being would do after being thwarted in his quest. The trees themselves began to whisper in their silent talk, fearful of the retaliation that must sure be coming from this intruder in their realm. It was then that the ground began to reverberate with the cry of anguish. The clouds themselves dared not to move across the night sky, in fear of drawing attention from this stranger.

Piccolo stood there stunned, the slight smile, the first he had allowed himself to express in ages, quickly turned into a grimace of hatred. How could he of missed? Was he not a great and powerful warrior? Had he not honed his entire body into a weapon of strength and power? How could this lifeless collection of frozen water and rocks avoid his wrath?

"Must be out of practice" he thought to himself.

Tilting his head towards his foe, Piccolo called out towards the night sky, "Okay Mr. Man in the Moon, lets see if you can dodge me twice!"

He quickly assumed his fighting stance, and began to harness his ki again, determined that this time he would not miss. His body began to tremble with excitement; a low laugh escaped his lips as his power level increased to new heights. Five hundred, fourteen hundred, soon it stood at two thousand. Maniacal laughter roared out of Piccolo as he once again thrust his right arm up at the satellite.

"_SUPER _SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!"

Again a spiral of pure energy raced towards the heavens. Piccolo twisted his body from side to side, willing the beam to curve ever so slightly towards its intended target. "Come on, you bastard, hit the damn thing".

A silent explosion hundreds of thousands of miles away caused Piccolo to raise his arms in triumph. Overjoyed, he jumped into the air, clicking his heels together. "YES!" he shouted as he celebrated his accomplishment, he had turned off nature's nightlight once and for all.

To be continued….


	2. Less than Grand Entrance

Piccolo woke up the next morning, and realized that something was wrong. He couldn't place a finger on what was causing this feeling. Was it his inability to destroy the moon with just one shot that was causing this distress? Or was something more sinister rising up to challenge the mighty Namek? Piccolo decided what he really needed, was fresh air, and a quick trip to the town and a few glasses of his favorite beverage.

"My secluded spot isn't close enough to the bar." grumbled Piccolo as he raced through the sky.

As he streaked across the sky, Piccolo tried to sense any new power source that could be the cause of his distress.

Piccolo's eyes closed as he pondered the possibilities

"Can't be Frieza, Trunks turned him into confetti. Can't be Buu. He's too busy skipping around calling himself and everyone else candy names. God, I hope it's not just gas."

The possibilities caused a chill to flow down Piccolo's spine.

As he flew towards Pepper City, he glared down at the wandering people who stopped in their tracks to wave up at him. It brought him no end of suffering that the people of the nearby town looked up to him as their great protector, as their honest to goodness personal Earth Defender.

"Earth Defender my green ass, if they only knew what I was capable of doing, they would be fleeing in terror" he snarled.

Still plotting the many different ways he could take over the world, Piccolo was hardly paying much attention as he zoomed though the relatively empty town roads. Out of the corner of his eye, his attention was taken by the reflection of a bright round orb in a shop window. Quickly turning his head to get a better view of the reflection, he never saw the building racing towards him at breakneck speeds. Dust and rubble flew in every direction as the green missile plowed into the side of the innocent department store.

"Hey, Piccolo!"

Stumbling out of one of the numerous clothing racks, Piccolo laid eyes on what he realized was the source of the reflection that stole his distraction.

"Krillin…."

Reflectively, he slapped his forehead, something that often occurred when he ran into the horizontally challenged fellow "Defender of Earth."

"Hey Piccolo, are you shopping for someone special, or are you going for a new look" laughed Krillin, clutching his sides in merry mirth. Doubling over in laughter, Krillin could only be heard to stutter out "Br.Br..Br…Br…." before finally collapsing in a heap on the ground. Glaring down at the violently shaking mass in front of him, Piccolo reached up to adjust his turban when he noticed the cause of the sudden outburst. His turban was missing! In its place, decorated with pink flowers, was a rather large bra.

Flinging the bra down at the still laughing Krillin, Piccolo scanned the area for his missing turban. Finding it perched atop a store mannequin, he rescued his headgear and pulled it firmly down on his own head. Temptation to blast Krillin into the next dimension was hard for him to repress. He rose once again into the air, and shot through the hole he made with his less than grand entrance.

Finally reaching his destination, Piccolo walked through the double swinging doors of his favorite bar, "The Watering Hole". He took a seat across from the bartender and growled "Give me a hard water, on the rocks."

The bartender gave a fake smile and said casually, "Bad day, huh?" He poured the drink into the glass with a serious face, "Well, at least the moon's back. We can thank Kami for that."

Piccolo choked a bit before looking up, "...Better make it a double."

To be continued….


	3. One for the Road

The deafening chatter around him caused the inebriated Namek no end of misery. Numerous times he felt the urge to unleash his mighty fury against the townsfolk who continued to stroll into "The Watering Hole" with hearts filled with joy and happiness. The hours grew longer as the number of empty glasses in front of the Namek steadily grew larger. Finishing the last few drops, he slammed his glass on the counter, cracking the heavily worn wood façade.

"Bartender, give me another one"

The rotund barkeep waddled over to Piccolo, "Hey mate, ya've drank enuff to fill a small pool, why not lighten up ya?"

"I said, give me another" growled the reply.

Not wanting to futher anger a paying customer, the barkeep checked his cupboard for another empty glass. Moments later another hard water was slid over in front of Piccolo.

"Mate, if'n I dun know any better, I would say that something was bothering ya."

The glare he received as his payment for attempted polite conversation was message enough to go find other patrons to serve. The barkeep scanned the crowed, looking for other, more polite customers to serve when the double swinging doors creaked open. A small child was entering the bar with two rather large shopping bags under his arms. As the barkeep rushed to shoo out this obviously underage patron away from his almost respectable establishment, he suddenly noticed that it was no child who was entering his bar. It was the hero of the horizontally challenged. It was Krillin.

"Master Krillin! Let me show you to our finest table" gushed the barkeep as his enjoyment could hardly be contained. It was rare that a "Defender of the Earth" visited his establishment, and today, he was blessed by two! Quickly and with as much pomp and circumstance he could muster, he ushered Krillin across the bar to the only empty table in the room, which happened to be next to the bar, and Piccolo.

It seemed like everyone in the bar took turns walking over to Krillin, offering their hand in friendship and thanks. Comments such as "Yer my hero!" and "Let me buy this round for ya" directed towards Krillin caused Piccolo's blood to slowly simmer. Was he not more powerful than Krillin? Was he not always amongst the first into battle against whatever evil was attacking at that time? The simmer steadily grew to a boil as he spun around to face at Krillin. As he completed his turn, it was then that the gallons of water he had consumed hit him, and he stumbled off of his stool, and landed face first at Krillin's feet.

The crowed hushed as they waited in anticipation as to what would happen next. Krillin blinked twice rapidly, then clutched his sided as laughter came flowing out him.

"Gee Piccolo, not your day for landings is it?" he managed to squeak out between belly laughs. Taking a cue from Krillin, the rest of the crowed began to laugh hysterically at the fallen Namek, raising Piccolo's ire even higher. It took all his willpower to pull himself up to all fours. Lifting his head he almost fell flat on his face again.

He saw two Krillins!

Shaking the image out of his mind, he closed his eyes and raised his head again. Slowly, he opened one eye, then the other, and was relieved that there was only one Krillin laughing at him now. Good, that made his job much easier.

Rising to his feet, Piccolo brushed the dust off of his clothing, and glared at Krillin. "You. Me. Outside. NOW" he ordered as he stumbled towards the exit of the bar. Not bothering to end his laughter, Krillin hopped down off of his stool, and causually walked out after him.

"Hey, Piccolo! What's up?"

Rushing over, Piccolo's hands grabbed hold of Krillin's collar, sweeping him off of the ground and to his much taller eye level. "No one, and I mean NO ONE laughs at my misfortune" he bellowed moments before trying to throw Krillin across the street. But tragically, the effects of his hours of drinking caused him to stumble, and he simply dropped Krillin on the pavement.

Rising to his feet, Krillin brushed himself off and looked up at Piccolo. "Aw man, this is a new suit! I'm going to have to go change before my date"

"Where I'm about to send you, your clothing will be the least of your worries" came the sharp reply as Piccolo tried to assume a fighting stance.

Laughter came the only reply. "Come-on Piccolo! You're drunk! You couldn't hit the broad side of a mountain right now!"

"I'll show you mountain" he sneered as he readied his special attack.

His body still shaking with laughter, Krillin never noticed Piccolo's kai level skyrocket towards unprecedented levels. Clutching his sides he continued with his mirth as Piccolo made ready to unleash his attack. As Krillin continued laughing, a sparkle from the ground caught his attention.

"Ooh! A penny!" he gleefully squeeled as he bent over to pick it up.

"SPECIAL BEAM CANNON"

The familiar spiral of energy raced towards Krillin but by some divine power, the spiral simply bounced off his head and raced towards the heavens.

"Ack! My head polish!"

Piccolo followed the spiral of energy as is made its way upwards. As he watched the spiral race from view, his eyes turned towards his oldest foe, the moon.

"By Kami…."

Then as if by fate, the moon once again exploded in the sky. Not sure what to make of this change of events, Piccolo did the only thing he could think of.

He passed out.

To be continued….


	4. Unpaid Dues

Authors Note:

So far I hope that the few of you who have been reading this story of mine have been entertained. I've gotten some good reviews so far, and my hope is that you will all continue to read as the chapters continue to be published. Reviews are good stuff, it makes the writer all happy and gets him (me) off his butt and working on more chapters. Piccolo has always been my favorite character in the Dragonball universe, he's so serious and has this aura about him…I just felt the need to present him in a different light. More cameos will happen in the future.

Disclaimer: All character names, places etc are all © by someone other than myself. I do this not for money, but for the simple pleasure of being creative.

Ta!

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The townsfolk cautiously gave a wide birth to the slumbering green man who was sprawled out in the middle of the busy street. By noon of the next day, the local taverns and marketplaces were filled with constant chatter of the prior day's events. The talk ranged from this outsiders audacity. First to refuse to have a bar fight inside an actual bar, then to make matters worse, had simply passed out in the middle of a road when any self respecting drunkard would simply stumble off to whence he came from. Streams of people would line up at the edge of the street to see this green man for themselves. The city police finally had to barricade the street so that the mob of onlookers would be kept at a safe distance incase the funny looking stranger awakened. By the next night, the topic of conversation had changed from what was going to happen next, to questions of if he would wake up.

After three days, the city elders got together and pondered on what to do. One suggestion was to simply build a room around the stranger so to keep the busy-bodies away. Another was to move the entire town a few hundred meters down the road. The debate lasted all night and early into the next morning when a young child wandered in and asked the obvious question.

"Can't we just wake him up and ask him to leave?" The young child asked.

The wise elders quickly formed a tight circle and discussed this new idea. It was agreed that it seemed the best solution, but the question remained, who would be given this task? Unfortunately, the youth stayed around longer than he should have, and was immediately elected as the towns' official "Waker of the Slumbering Green Guys".

As the youth headed towards the slumbering form, a small crowd formed at a distance behind him. Curiosity had overwhelmed many in the town to come see what would happen, but their survival instinct caused them to follow at a very safe distance, half a block away from the youth.

Scanning the street from side to side, the youth looked in vain for something that would help him in his quest. Suddenly he spied it, a nice long stick that would allow him a few precious extra feet of distance.

The distance between the youth and the slumbering figure slowly decreased. Every step he took, was agonizing, beads of sweat ran down his forehead in torrents. The seconds dragged on until finally, he arrived at his destination. The rhythmic sounds of breathing coming from the green man dashed away any hopes that the stranger had expired, and now he was forced to do his newly appointed duty, wake him up.

Cautiously, he extended his stick towards the form, his body shaking so hard that the tip of the stick bounced back and forth in a large arc. Closing his eyes to steady himself, the youth leaned forward, feeling his way instead of daring to look at what he was attempting to do.

"Kid, if I were you, I would drop that stick and go running to mommy"

Quickly spinning around, the youth dropped the stick and with a high pitched "Aiiiiieeeee", ran screaming down the street. Seeing the youth run full tilt at them, the crowd copied his actions, and turned and ran screaming in all directions, all directions except towards the green stranger.

Slowly moving into a sitting position, Piccolo rubbed his head and glanced upwards towards the sky. Seeing nothing but blue sky overhead, Piccolo breathed a sigh of relief and rose to his feet. He glanced over his shoulder at "The Watering Hole" and began to massage his temples. Turning slowly, he walked towards the shattered remains of what once used to be twin swinging doors.

Cautiously, he peeked his head inside, scanning for any signs of the bartender. Seeing nothing but overturned tables and broken barstools, Piccolo stumbled across the hardwood floor, and collapsed against the bar. Pulling himself over the counter, he began ruffling around looking for something. A muffled cry escaped him as he found what he had sought out, a half torn notebook and badly chewed on pen. Flipping through the notebook for an empty page, he scribbled a simple note. As he tore the page from the notebook he spied something of interest amongst the bottles. He quickly scribbled an addition to his note before grabbing two bottles from behind the counter. Dropping the note and pen in plain view on the countertop, Piccolo took his new found treasures and stumbled out of the bar.

Early the next morning, the barkeep entered his once proud establishment and gave a gasp of despair. Tears rolled down his dust covered cheeks as he turned barstools and tables upright, doing his best to set up for business that he knew would be slow in returning. As he walked towards the counter to grab his broom and pan, he spied a single sheet of notebook paper laying in plain view on the counter. Picking it up, he went over its contents before letting out a whoop of joy. Quickly re-reading the note, he saw that his eyes were not mistaken, and let out a louder WHOOOP!

Sir,

I must appoligize for the damage done to your fine establishment a few days ago. Just send me a bill for the damages and any unpaid bar tabs and I will see to it that it is paid for. Again I am sorry for the events of the other night. I am lower than dirt.

Signed,

Son Goku

p.s. I also took two bottles of your finest hard water, please add them to the bill, thanks!

To be continued….


End file.
